She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
