My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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