My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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