i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
