I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
