how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
