Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So here I am, sexting at work.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
