pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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