a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Drunk is not a location!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
