Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
