ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
