fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
