i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
