last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
