I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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