nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize