cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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