i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
