4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize