He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
