I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
