So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
