I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
