Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
