I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
