I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
