In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
