I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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