no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
