I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.