If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?