i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
