I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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