I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
