I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Can I color on your dick again?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
