bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
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I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
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It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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