I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
