The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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