batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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