so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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