He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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