You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
