Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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