he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
