we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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