everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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