hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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