Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
