I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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