Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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