Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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