no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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