Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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