I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
