We're facebook friends in real life
wrigley field is MILF paradise
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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