Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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