Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
