your parents love me but you hate me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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