Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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